This moment finds me in tears, as I strive to put into words what we are going through right now. I hesitated to put anything on our blog, but it seems wrong to have the pregnancy counter at the top when things have changed and it wouldn't be right to remove that without providing some explanation.
While on vacation this week, I started spotting and decided to go to a local emergency department (at the advice of my home OB) to get an ultrasound. Thankfully, Katie and Brian were with us and could watch over Elias.
I was 12 weeks pregnant last week. At first they couldn't a hear a heartbeat on the doppler, so they sent us to ultrasound, where they again could not find the heartbeat we had seen just days ago. The size of the baby was measuring more like 9 weeks, indicating that he or she was not growing according to time. The doctor came in and said he was so sorry....they call this "fetal demise"...two of the worst words ever put together.
Because I was not bleeding excessively and upon exam, my cervix was closed, they said we could go home to either let my body take care of this naturally or have a procedure. I was not a fan of doing this at home, so I have made plans to have the procedure on Thursday, which unfortunately is the earliest they can. In the meantime, my body may take a different course. The pain comes and goes and is much like labor pains. When I talked to the OB on call yesterday, she advised me to take my pain medicine and be prepared for a home miscarriage.
I will try and update as I can or feel like it. Christopher and I are both very sad, to say the least, but know that God has a plan for us. I keep saying that this time is quite different now that we have Elias, who fills us with love and much needed distraction. I don't know what is going to happen in the next few days and wish I did. My emotions change from okay to devastated and the heartache seems to jump up and bite me when I least expect it. I plan to stay home from work all this week as we are not sure what to expect and I just can't face many people.
Please pray that we will find peace in this pain and that there will be healing from what we feel is an unspeakable loss.
A good friend sent me a song that captures some of what we are feeling and I'd like to share a youtube video of the song...
5 comments:
We are praying, praying, praying for you all. When I heard the news, I was in the car and the song "How Great is Our God" was on the radio. My heart mourns for you all, but I know, just as you all know, that our God is GREAT and has a purpose for your precious family. May God bring you sweet comfort that can only come from Him. We love you and are praying for you.
Oh Kristen, I am so sorry. It seems weird to write those words over your blog because they seem so small, but I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you and mourning with you. I so wish I could be there with you! BIG hug. I'll be writing you back today and we can "talk" more then...
love you!!!
My darling friend, tears are falling while I'm sitting here at my least favorite place (work). You all are in my prayers and I wish I could just give you a big hug right now. I know God has his reasons, but I also know that's hard for us to even get our heads around sometimes. Just take this time to mourn and please please call if you need to. Love you and praying for you.....
Love you, Kristen. Praying for healing for you and Christopher. And praying that this will turn into a blessing for your lives.
We are thinking about and praying for you guys. I'm so sorry Elias has been sick on top of everything else!
We love you!
Michael and Amy
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