from my heart tonight

Let me just start this "from my heart" post with a little gratitude....because that is all Christopher and I feel when we reflect on the sweetness we have received from both friends and family near and far. The words spoken to us in these last couple of weeks have been tender and the prayers sent to heaven in our name quite precious.
We

are

truly

blessed

and grateful.

Thank you.

My surgery went well and I returned to work last week. The first part of the week was no cake walk with Christopher out of town for annual law enforcement training and Elias up two nights in a row with a barky cough. But we survived and are hopeful for better days ahead. Unfortnately today, Elias woke up puking, so we are back to clear liquids and crackers and praying no one else becomes afflicted. I have less than 10 hours of PTO to my name, so being out of work is just not a reality we can handle right now...Christopher was already off today and is taking off tomorrow to be Daddy nurse to Elias.
When people ask me how I am doing, I usually say "okay" because that is the only word to describe the ups and downs I feel. Evenings and nighttime is tough for me as the day quiets and I think about the baby I no longer carry. I finally opened my calendar this weekend, and it proved to be a painful reminder of the countdown I already had going on Ellie's arrival. I had to cancel my OB appointments, the most memorable of which would have been the BIG ultrasound at the end of March. One big task remains....maternity clothes. They are hanging in my closet and I can't bring myself to put them away, though I know it will be some months before I will need them again. It's a task I wish I could summon Mary Poppins for...snap my fingers, sing a happy song, and have them disappear.
My friends at work have been incredible...listening to me, ignoring hormonal rages and letting me cry when the tears come out of nowhere. My poor friend Julianne was the victim the other day as I asked to look at a note from her family that she keeps in her lunchbox. It was out of curiosity and I was just eating my lunch, but the note was so sweet, I burst into tears. And as any decent, self-respecting friend would, she started crying, too. It quickly turned into laughter...but it's a a prefect example of how my emotions have been.
This past Sunday, we met with our sweet pastor, who is going to officiate a little service on Friday evening for us to honor our Ellie. I will share what we decided to do and say afterwards. Though we know loving family and friends would be here in a heartbeat if we asked, we decided to keep the invite list to Mommy and Daddy.
Please continue to pray for us...I have no idea what to expect in the next few weeks and months. My heart aches when I think about this sweet life that has been taken from me and as much as I want to fill the screaming emptiness, I want to be whole in a way that God wants me to be. I pray to Him to show me how to heal in a way that honors Him. A verse from church this past weekend that spoke to me....thought I'd share....from II Corinthians 4:8 and 16:

We are hard pressed on every side,
but not crushed;
perplexed,
but not in despair;
persecuted,
but not abandoned;
struck down,
but not destroyed.

Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are acheiving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
what is unseen is eternal.