Whenever I am reading and learning and experiencing a lot (like NOW), I think about this blog and think about posts in my head. But we all know what happens to those head posts...they never quite come to fruition. But tonight, I decided I could spend a few minutes sharing with the world wide web a few nuggets of what I have learned and use this post as a mini-journal entry. I have a dear college friend who uses her blog to do that and it's beautiful. The insight that girl puts on a computer screen is inspiring. She knows who she is...
Just to give you a little background, Christopher and I spent the day and night away from the Bull city and our little boys (thank you Grandma-who I am sure is fast asleep now, exhausted from our little men). We headed out and stayed at a B&B called
458 West. Super charming and they let us check in way early so we could enjoy some quiet time. The outcome of our time was quite the fresh start we needed. After 10 years of marriage (this October), we have collected quite a few not-so-great pieces of baggage and are starting to unpack them. It was a first step of many we will be taking this year, and even though it had some bittersweetness to it, was beautiful.
There was lots of time for reflection and conversation. It actually reminded me of an old youth group retreat, minus the worship sessions and funny skits. I took some time to get further in a new book I am reading on my lovely Kindle (love you Mom and Ash) while soaking in the claw foot tub. Which, by the way, I decided I need in my next house. I am reading a book called
Gospel. I know what some of you are thinking about that title. I know it because I had the same feelings. But I read two pages of this book as a sample on Amazon and had to read more.
I am just here to tell you that it is life changing.
I spent many years before going to college doing all the right things. I was Miss Christian. But I had no freakin' clue. I mean, flat-out no idea what it meant to be saved by grace. I thought it was a one-time thing and then I was on my own to do things better and be a better person.
SO
WRONG.
I did and can do nothing to deserve grace. But every day, I beat myself up because I am not perfect. Because I get annoyed at the way Christopher chews his food. Because I get impatient in the parking deck when I am late and people are driving slow. Because I think judgmental thoughts about people that I work with (and that I work for). Because I come home and yell at the boys when they are fighting. And then I think, "What was I thinking? My life is no good- I am not worthy to know God. I am never going to be different."
The book I am reading basically says this:
Because that negative committee isn't Jesus. Not even close. And that negative committee doesn't know the breadth and depth that is his love for me.
"in Christ, there is nothing I can do that would make You love me more, and nothing I have done that makes You love me less."
I know a lot of my sweet friends are searching for that kind of love. I know I am. I know that I thought Christopher could provide that for me.
He can't.
I thought that having children would make me feel more loved and that I would be more loving.
They don't.
I am learning to grow my identity elsewhere. It's super scary and feels slightly fanatical, but gives me a peace I have NEVER had before. All I know right now is that I am covered in a big ol blanket of grace and that's all I need to grow...I pray every day (hour?) that God will change my heart, our lives and our future.
