This weekend's weather was so needed...so wonderful...so refreshing...that it made me want to "spring forward" right along with all the clocks. I want to move past the dark and cold and be in place mentally and emotionally that is warm and light. My problem is that I want that process to be as simple as advancing the numbers one hour ahead. I'd like to just jump over the next couple of months. I am ready for Spring in our world and for Spring in my heart.
Elias and I spent the most of Saturday outside, starting with a wagon ride down to the river this morning.
For lunch, we met Christopher in a different part of the park (a part I had never been to, actually...I need to work on this!) and we shared a "picanick" with him. Afterwards, we walked down the river at this particular access and climbed some rocks. It was fabulous.
After nap, I transitioned our usual indoor activity, TRAINS, to the back porch and Elias played without much clothing until dinner time.
And not to go sad on you all of the sudden, but I did want to share how we chose to honor our Ellie's memory last Friday. Our pastor, Mel, met us here at the house and walked down to the river with us. Grandma had graciously agreed to pick Elias up from school that day and take care of him while we had this little service. We thought that was the best thing to allow us concentrate on what we were doing without having to chase a little boy around the river! It was 5pm when we met Mel, and had been raining most of the day. The weather was actually quite fitting for what we were feeling...a little gray and sad. When we got to the river, we lit the pale pink pillar candle I had bought and Mel prayed over us. Then Mel asked us if we wanted to say anything... express our "words of grief"... and so I started by sharing something I had been writing over the last couple of weeks:
I love you without knowing you
I miss you without having touched you
I want to kiss you without knowing your face
I saw your heart beating
And then it stopped
My baby for 12 weeks
My child forever
First I grieved because you were no longer alive
Now I grieve because you are no longer with me
Gone
My baby is gone
But in my heart
Ellie
Sweet Ellie
You will always be
You will always be in my heartThe Christopher said a few things and afterwards, Mel read from two Bible passages: Psalm 139 and Ephesians 3: 14-19.
Psalm 139 is pretty well known...it's the passage that talks about being knit together in the womb and how God has known us from our very beginning. What a comfort to hear those sweet words.
Ephesians 3:14-19 says: For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Then, while Mel (who has the most amazing voice) sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Christopher and I tossed rose petals into the river and watched the small rapids carry them away. It was beautiful and powerful and a memory I will treasure for a long time. I felt such a sense of relief in honoring Ellie that way. It felt like letting go and like even though our grief was not gone, the river was carrying it a little further away.
The candle we carried down there now sits in our room and has Ellie's name and due date...August 19, 2009...inscribed on it. I plan to light it every year in her memory.
Another little thing I have done to create some memory is to make a little video of some pictures and images that remind me of our short time with Ellie. It's set to music, so probably not the best to watch at work. = ) I definitely shed a few tears making it, so I apologize if it makes you tear up watching it.
Spring is almost here for good and I plan to greet it with open arms.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
